What is the secret language of the body? What is behind the words  being spoken? One way to decipher their code is to learn the meaning of body language.

Whether you’re following up on a new prospect or trying to find out if that first date went well, body language can provide you with a secret edge.

Be careful, though, because body language can be easily misconstrued. Sometimes people have certain actions or posture habits that disguise what they’re really saying. But by remaining alert and observant you’ll fair better than most!

Here are a few things to keep an eye out for that will give you some additional insights:

1. Be aware of how they’re speaking. Positive ways of communication include speaking at the same tone and the same rate of speech that you’re using. It’s also a positive sign when someone can share a laugh with you and truly have a sincere and inviting sound to their voice.

• On the flipside, negative ways of speaking include speaking a lot louder, softer, faster, or slower than you. If their voice sounds unsteady or quivering, they might not mean exactly what they’re saying to you aloud.

2. Notice what they’re wearing. People who are truly interested do their best to make a long lasting and positive impression. Their clothing will usually be neat and tidy and their hair will be groomed as well.

• Someone who isn’t interested will often appear unkempt because they don’t really care about the impression they’ll leave behind with you.
• The old saying, “Dress for success,” is a simple way to remember that people do judge others by their appearance. Whether it’s right or wrong, it happens. If you were hiring a salesperson for your company, would you want the person who’s friendly and dressed in a suit or someone who looks like he just rolled out of bed?

3. Are they interacting with you in a positive way? When people relate positively with you, they may express body language signals that show it. They may look at your eyes while speaking, lean towards you, or touch you gently to accentuate a point.

4. Do they appear uninterested or distracted? Negative signals include looking away when they should be listening, crossing their arms, constant fidgeting or tapping their foot, clearing their throat, or yawning. This may be a sign of distrust, anger, frustration, boredom, or a lack of self-confidence.

5. Practice people watching. The best way to learn more about body language is to spend some time observing people. By becoming more aware of the way others react to certain situations, you’ll be better equipped to communicate effectively.

• All people have their own quiet signals they display during different times. A great way to become more in tune with these signals is to take the time to make people watching a hobby.
• Become observant. Whether in the supermarket, church, or at the mall, watch the way people display their secret signals. It will greatly help you in deciphering body language in your own personal situations.

Reading body language is an important way to figure out what people are truly saying. It can also help you build positive and long-lasting relationships. Use these tips often to help you discover the secret meaning behind body language and become a master of communication with others.

Today, we’re going to look at the third kind of person, the person who relates Kinesthetically, or with their body.

There are three relating styles: kinesthetic, visual, and auditory. Kinesthetic oriented people respond to touch and act on how they feel. Kinesthetic people like to engage in affectionate rough housing, as well as being held for long periods of time.

Kinesthetic persons often use terms such as these in conversation:

• “I just felt as if…”
• “I’ll handle it.”
• “I feel like we really connected.”
• “Take it easy.”

Physical contact and feelings are their primary love language. Kinesthetic people often feel overwhelmed or feel picked on in a verbal conflict.

When communicating with a kinesthetic oriented person, a soft touch on the arm means you care, you’re interested, and you’re listening. Often the kinesthetic person will touch you as they are speaking as well.

In the work field, a handshake is often offered and expected by a kinesthetic person. Not only is a handshake proper and a sign of respect to the kinesthetic person, but it is also a personal connection. In addition, they may put their arm around your shoulders while walking and talking. This is how they communicate and connect.

Kinesthetic people are hard to motivate, however, because they often can’t get past how they’re feeling in the moment. They are very emotionally driven and often let their emotions control their actions. Kinesthetic oriented persons also react to gut instincts and tend not to base decisions on reason or logic.

Kinesthetic Relating in Love Relationships

In a relationship with a kinesthetic oriented person, if you don’t touch them often, they may not feel loved by you. They may feel rejected and not even know why.

If your loved one is saying things like, “You never touch me,” or “You never cuddle with me anymore,” their love tank may be empty. Fill it up with some meaningful and long snuggles on the couch, a big bear hug or a nice back massage. Then keep their hearts filled by giving them the touching, hugging, and snuggling they are thirsting for.

Understanding the Three Different Relating Styles

It’s important in all relationships, including your spouse, children, siblings, friends or co-workers, to understand the different relating styles, as well as how to communicate effectively using them.

Visual

For the visually oriented person, using picture words is the best way to communicate. The best gifts for the visually oriented person are tangible gifts, or one’s they can actually “see” such as:

• Books
• Cards or notes
• Flowers

When speaking to the visually oriented person, look them directly in the eye and expect to be “examined” by them as well. Be aware of your body language and facial expressions, as they’ll be determining if they trust what you’re saying based on those two elements.

Auditory

For the auditory oriented person, communicating in soft tones and positive affirmations says you care and are interested in them. The best gifts for the auditory oriented person are:

• Music
• Audio books
• Concerts

Verbal communication is very important to the auditory oriented person. They process issues or problems by talking them out. If the auditory oriented person doesn’t hear the words “I love you” frequently enough, they may not feel loved.

How to Tell Which Type of Person You’re Dealing With

Knowing how to determine someone’s relating style is important and can usually be determined in the first few minutes after meeting for the first time. If the person looks you directly in the eye or seems to “look you up and down,” they’re visual. If they do most of the talking right away, they’re most likely an auditory type of person. If they touch you on the arm or reach for a handshake immediately, they’re kinesthetic.

Just knowing these few characteristics will help you strengthen your current relationships and start off on the right foot when getting to know someone new.

Today, we’re looking at how to best communicate with an Auditory type person in both your business practices and otherwise.

Different people have different styles of relating to others. There are three identified styles of relating and auditory relating is one of these. The other two are visual (discussed yesterday) and kinesthetic (wait for it … tomorrow!).

The auditory relating style refers to those people who respond to and are stimulated by what they hear.

Auditory persons learn more effectively by hearing rather than by seeing. Using audio, as well as reading aloud, is a great way to teach the auditory oriented person.

The auditory oriented person best responds to expressions of love in the form of words of affirmation and compliments. The best gifts for an auditory person are:

• Music
• Audio books
• Concerts
• Anything that involves the use of their hearing sense

Auditory Relating in Relationships

The auditory person loves the sound of their voice! He can sit and chat for hours and he feels loved when this happens.

Auditory people are sensitive to another’s tone of voice and can be easily offended when given criticism or correction. Therefore, using softer tones and beginning criticism or correction with positive affirmations is the best way to communicate with auditory people.

Auditory Relating and Conflict

An auditory person processes issues by talking things through; unless it’s something big, then they usually prefer quiet time. In addition, the auditory person likes to have the last word and usually gets it. Plus, they tend to be good at debating and getting others to talk as well.

Auditory persons are sensitive to the sounds of nature and often find peace when walking through the woods, by a crackling fire or strolling by a running river. Add these types of activities to a great conversation and you’re speaking their love language.

The easiest way to identify an auditory oriented person is by listening to their expressions. They often use phrases like:

• “Hear me out.”
• “Listen to what I’m saying.”
• “I didn’t hear that clearly.”
• “We need to talk.”
• “I can tell by your tone…”

Tips for Working with an Auditory Oriented Person

If your boss is an auditory oriented person, she’ll expect you to communicate through meetings, instead of email or memos. She may even find email or memos to be offensive or less meaningful than a phone call or meeting.

In addition, if you need to address a problem or issue, you will want to begin the conversation with positive affirmations about what you like about a person or the project before you get into the issue. An auditory person will then be more open to receiving your ideas and won’t be so quick to put up any walls.

Auditory oriented people tend to be more sensitive to breathing sounds, sighs and grunts, and often read into these noises as if something’s wrong. If you’re a heavy sigh-er, for instance, you may often be asked, “What’s wrong?” every time you take a deep breath. Once you communicate to the sensitive person that nothing’s wrong, eventually they’ll get used to your breathing sounds.

The Main Points

Once you learn how to identify an auditory person, relating to them will be easier. Here are the main points to remember once you’ve determined you’re dealing with a person who relates via sound:

1. Be sensitive when speaking.
2. Use appropriate tones of voice.
3. Begin criticism or correction with positive affirmations.

In addition, they like to hear compliments and the words “I love you” repeatedly. These are things the auditory person never tires of. In fact, if you don’t compliment them or say “I love you” often enough, the auditory person may begin to feel unloved.

If you’re in a marriage with an auditory type person and they are constantly saying, “You don’t love me” or “You never say you love me,” you’re probably not speaking their love language. To help with communication and make them feel loved, speak adorning words more frequently.

Communication is a lot easier when we know and understand our loved ones relating style, whether it is auditory, visual or kinesthetic. Now that you can identify an auditory oriented person, you will be able to express your love for them easier and relate to them using their love language.

In business, whether your an entrepreneur or not, communicating with others is key to success. And communication is best when you understand HOW the other person processes information.

For the next three day’s we’ll be looking at 3 key NLP ways of understanding people. VAK, or Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic, are the three primary ways in which people perceive their world. The better you understand their way of perceiving the world, the better you can communicate with them.

Today, we’re going to look at understanding people who are visual

The visual style is one of three types of relating styles. Visual relating refers to those persons who are “visual” in their thinking.

Understanding how a visual person thinks and “sees” will help you communicate more effectively when interacting with others in relationships.

Visual oriented people often use expressions such as:

• “I see.”
• “It seems clear.”
• “Do you see my point?
• “I can see right through you.”

They also tend to be more uptight, high-strung, and very detail oriented. The visual oriented person will often get lost in thoughts and daydreams.

Some examples of gifts and appreciated expressions of love for visually oriented people are:

• Flowers
• Games
• Books
• Framed Photos
• Cards and Letters

When talking with a visually oriented person, using vivid words is the best way to communicate with them. If you can draw a picture with your words, using lots of detail, you will be able to more closely identify with those who are more visually oriented.

Body Language

A visual person will also pay close attention to your body language. They’ll notice your eye movements, hand gestures, posture and facial expressions and will read into those things to determine if they trust what you’re saying or not. Words themselves probably won’t make much difference, but your body language and actions says it all to the visually oriented person.

Since visually oriented persons rely on their visual perception so much, they may tend to judge a book by its cover, so to speak. The way one dresses or the car a person drives will say a lot to the visually oriented person.

Visual people may also be uneasy around people who build up a facade because they can’t see the real person inside or behind the mask.

Tips for Speaking to a Visual Type Person

When speaking to the visually oriented, look directly into their eyes and use positive body language. Don’t cross your arms or appear distracted, as this will communicate to them that you’re focus isn’t on them or that you’re not really paying attention. Another way to communicate positively is to nod your head, as if saying yes while they are speaking. This shows that you’re actively listening and that you’re interested in what they’re saying.

On the other hand, when you’re having a conversation with a visually oriented person, you may feel as if you’re being examined because their eyes will move around, observing all the details of your hair, teeth, clothing and jewelry. They may even stop you in conversation to give you a compliment about what you’re wearing or the way you’re hair is styled.

If your boss is visual-oriented, an organized office or workspace is probably very important to him or her. Therefore, it’s important for you to keep your workspace neat and orderly to avoid conflict. They may also be very picky about dress and expect their employees to dress professionally at all times.

Understanding Visually Oriented People

The visual person tends to like video games, computers, and television. Often they’re artistic, crafty, and creative thinkers. They tend to be able to visualize the outcome of a decision and may tend to over analyze situations.

When building relationships, determining a person’s relating style is probably the first thing you should do so you can understand where they’re coming from and how they will respond.

Now that you’re equipped with the knowledge of how a visual person communicates, you will be able to strengthen your relationships both personally and professionally.

Here’s a fun thing that crossed my desk that I thought I would share with my readership. It’s a list of seventeen different things to look for in someone who’s lying.

This is NOT posted here to boost paranoia; rather, I encourage you to have fun with this list. The truth is (…listen for the irony in this sentence…), everyone lies. Lying is a part of life. It’s typically NOT a part of malicious intent. Nine out of ten times, it’s because someone wants to be “kind” to you.

Having said that, here is the list of seventeen things to look for when looking for someone who is less than honest:

1. Body language speaks louder than words. If the person you’re speaking to is fidgety, wringing their hands, or fiddling with their hair, these are often clues that they’re lying. Sometimes it might be nervousness because they are shy or naturally introverted; however, if the person you’re talking to isn’t known for being shy or nervous, then chances are they’re lying.
2. A liar will often cross his or her arms across their body as they speak. They may even move objects like books or cups to create a barrier between the two of you.
3. Eye contact is another thing to pay attention to when trying to spot a liar. When you’re being lied to, the other person often won’t look at you directly in the eye. They’ll look down, off to the side, and every other place just to avoid direct eye contact with you.
4. When a liar says contradictory things, it’s an obvious sign that they’re lying. Listen for discrepancies in their stories.
5. The tone of voice changes when lying. Listen for high pitched or lower tones than their normal speaking voice.
6. Liars tend to avoid details when speaking. Often they just stick to the bold facts and leave out small details in order to keep their story straight.
7. When talking to a liar, he or she will often hesitate in their speech while thinking up a lie to fit the occasion. This could be clearing their throat, taking a deep breath or simply pausing before responding.
8. Eye movement is another thing to look for when spotting a liar. All people naturally move their eyes, unconsciously, one way or another when they are in conversation. If a person looks to their right (your left) they are often constructing lies. If they look to their left (your right) they’re truly drawing upon their memory in response.
9. Changing the subject away from the current conversation is another clue that you’re being lied to. Often liars will fill a conversation with obscure details that detract from the topic at hand in order to avoid telling the truth.
10. People who lie tend to steer away from using pronouns like ‘I’ or ‘we.’
11. Liars will often use humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.
12. Liars feel guilty and may storm off or act out in anger to hide their deception.
13. Research shows that, when a person is dishonest, they tend to touch their nose a lot.
14. Heavy breathing, sweating or a tight jaw is another indicator that you may be lied to.
15. If questioned enough, liars won’t be able to remember all the details of a lie or string of lies they’ve told. Most liars will attack or leave before they’re caught.
16. Touching the face may indicate a person is lying or uncomfortable. The higher up on the face, the worse the lie is.
17. A hunched over posture is another indication of a liar. Confident people sit up straight with their shoulder back. Insecure people sit hunched over with their hands in their pockets. It’s also interesting to note that studies have shown those who are insecure are more prone to lie.

Look for these signs, but beware before you accuse someone of lying! As many can tell you, you will see what you are looking for, no matter what you are looking AT. Notice your own habits when you are telling that “white” lie.

If you notice someone else “lying” (or at least, conveying some of the above behavior that leads you to that conclusion), try changing YOUR approach in a way that allows them to be more honest with you. Ask that question differently. Hold strong judgments in greater reserve.

And remember, that what you see in this world is actually a reflection of who YOU are!

To your success!

Britt Santowski

STOP THE PRESS! This just in …

Humpty Dumpty gives exclusive interview to the Wall Street Journal about the importance of earnest and accurate communications for entrepreneurs.

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty says, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”

Okay, well maybe he didn’t really say it. Fact of the matter is this (close your ears, children!): Humpty Dumpty is a fictional creation. It was that real character, Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, who forced those words into the hot little lips of that immovable and soon to be broken character, Humpty Dumpty.

Given that those words, then, are fictional and didn’t really come from the mouth of anyone truly significant, do they still matter?

Of course you know the obvious answer here (my readership, women — and possibly some men — from New Zealand through India to US and Canada are as smart as a whip!): Of course they matter, for there is (truly) no line between fact and fiction.

Refer to my earlier article on Closed Minds Live Quiet Lives (see the sixth paragraph) to see how fuzzy and blurry the line really is!

My father, who prides himself on his philosophical mind and has read (and actually understands) Nietzsche, would have a great debate with Humpty Dumpty. Well, okay, maybe not, as my father would probably refute the existence of Humpty Dumpty.

But let’s pretend here for a second! Let’s pretend the two entered into a great debate.

When I was growing up, my father used to harp (my word selection, not his) on the double negative. “If a man says ‘I ain’t got no apples’ he really does have apples,” my father would argue. His logic would confound my eleven-year old brain, because the laws of mathematics supported him. I had just learned that if you add -1 with -1, you will actually get +2. I didn’t (and still don’t) get how you could add one absense with another, and not just get something that exists, but something that exists twice. In fact, I’ve got a headache now, just thinking about it.

But, hey, it was a law. And the teacher would grade you based on your ability to memorize (not understand) the laws.

So there it was, my father was right.

Yet, I wanted to scream back at him: “Hey, if buddy says he ain’t got no apples, then he AIN’T GOT NO APPLES!” You could tie buddy up and hang him upside down and shake him till his wallet fell out of his pocket, but nary will ONE APPLE fall from the folds of his clothes or anywhere else.

But I didn’t, because the teachers were on my father’s side, and collectively they must have been more right than buddy with the bad grammar.

Now, thanks to the eternal words of my good friend Humpty, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal (oh wait, I made that part up), I now know that I WAS right. Because when buddy uses a phrase, it means precisely what he means it to mean. Nothing more and nothing less.

And, my friends, as much as I like to believe I’m right (along side with buddy), there is also the confounding truth that we live in a dual world. There is another law, the Law of Cause and Effect, that says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. (Bear with me, folks, this does get dizzying!).

So as much as buddy is right, so is my father (and dammit all those fussy teachers too). For when my fathers HEARS a statement, that will means exactly what he chooses it to mean – neither more nor less.

And this duality, this existence of simultaneous truths, is what makes human communications so incredibly complex.

Between what I say and what you hear, in the invisible vapours of the air and in between my relationship with your words and my triggers, and your relationship with the same, the words transmute themselves. The intended meaning of whatever words were spoken are set free to the universe, and the receiver HEARS only what they intend to hear.

Understanding this will help you shift into the needs of your customers. It will make you a better business person and a better sales person. It will also make you a better partner, a better wife (or husband), a better mother (or father), and a better community member.

Humpty Dumpty is a sage old soul, and you need to both absorb what he says and DISCARD it. And then, and only then my friend, will you “get it.”

To your perpetual success,

Britt Santowski